To be exact, he packed 17 Oxycodone pills, 1 cigarette, 6 matches, 1 flint, 1 empty syringe with an eraser over the needle tip, 1 lip balm container, 1 condom, 1 CVS receipt, and a coupon… in his rectum.

That’s right, he stuffed all of this into his rectum (in a condom) on his way to prison, just so he could have all that stuff. This happens quite often, but this is really the biggest, varied, grab-bag of goodies ever almost snuck into a prison. It really would’ve made for quite the decadent first week. Also, there was another condom in there… just in case. If you’re going to make some sexual changes in prison, you might as well be safe about it.

The best of these stories aren’t the medical oddities or the insanely weird eating disorders, but the absolute f*cking weirdos who choose to use their lower intestine as a duffel bag.

The most impressive part about this whole ordeal, other than this guy’s commitment to having amenities in prison, is whatever the condom brand was. If that information ever got released, this would be GREAT publicity for that brand. hell, I’d put it in commercials if I were them.

[Obligatory salad-tossing joke]

An anonymous male individual (can’t imagine why this stallion would want to remain nameless) took a trip to the emergency room after a particularly gruesome vibrator and salad tongs incident which I’m sure everyone learns during their first day of medical school.

The gentleman in question shoved a vibrator up his rectum, and was to ashamed to go to the emergency room because he’s human. Naturally, the next step was to try and correct the problem himself by fishing the vibrator out with his best salad tongs… and failing.

Important question: was he planning on just washing them and still using them moving forward?

After this humiliation, the man finally turned himself over to medical professionals, and they were able to extract both the tongs and the vibrator, for a small fee of tens of thousands of painful, life-ruining dollars.

Margaret Daalman, a Netherlands native (of course,) was admitted to the hospital with searing stomach pains, and her X-ray showed that the problem was probably either a giant squid eating her insides, a sideways Bart Simpson head, a mutated pineapple, a facehugger alien or, rather, an entire set of forks and spoons (nearly 78 utensils total) that she swallowed.Why did she eat them instead of use them to eat food? Who the f*ck knows, or cares really. I personally am much more interested in that sweet squid X-ray, even though I know it’s a lie. But, I guess if you’re interested in what is wrong with the woman: the operating surgeons and attending medical professionals on the case theorized that the Daalman was suffering from pica, a disorder that is rare among pregnant women that causes them to crave non food items. Sufferers often consume dirt, metal, trash and, most likely, McDonald’s.An entire. F*cking. Set. Kinda brings a whole new light to “hide the silverware.”

People in their early twenties are generally not the best rational decision makers, but this homosexual couple took it to a whole new level.

During a particularly heated moment in their lovemaking, the patient’s boyfriend poured enema fluid mixed with concrete mix into his lover’s rectum, and the stuff hardened and nearly ruptured some crucial butt-anatomy (which is doctor talk for the stuff in your butt.)

He explained to the admitting doctors that he had laid flat on the ground and lifted his legs up at a 45 degree angle (feel free to try it), and allowed his lover to pour the mix into his rectum through a funnel — which every self-respecting American has in their sex kit.)

The mass had to be surgically removed, but, luckily, the patient’s boyfriend stayed with him through the entire procedure. Love comes in all shapes and sizes, but is maybe not so effective in the form of enema liquid — especially when it’s mixed with concrete mix, that is unless you’re building a parking lot.

1. 7-Inch Body Spray Found Up Lawyer’s Rectum

   

   A 39-year-old lawyer was recently admitted to a university teaching hospital because he shoved a ladies’ perfume bottle so far up his rectum that he couldn’t remove it himself, even though he had been able to remove it on previous occasions (we’ve all been there, though, haven’t we?)The perfume was called “Impulse Body Spay,” which actually seems to have worked on this lawyer. The bottle measured 3 cm by 17 cm, and emergency room doctors had to sedate the man with spinal anesthetic and remove the “rectal foreign body” (yes, that’s what it’s called in medical terms) with their bare (sterilized, gloved) hands.The man’s rectum swelled up like a happy birthday balloon at the supermarket, but eventually the procedure finished with flying colors.He was offered, but later refused psychological counseling after the incident. The picture on the left shows the man’s perfume-filled rectum, while the picture on the right is of a man who shoved a d***o up there. A 20 cm by 4 cm d***o. That’s like a 7.8 inch penis. The average is 6 inches. This man had an entire bottle in his rectum larger than most male penises.

3. 60 Year old Man (For)Gets his Rocks Off with a Glass Bottle

   

   A 60 year-old-man was admitted to the hospital with what doctors termed “perforation peritonitus”, or, “some serious ass damage” for those of us who aren’t doctors yet.

   At the time, the admitting physicians decided that the butt destruction was a “rare spontaneous occurrence.”

   A year later, the same old man hobbled into the hospital, yet again, and complained of bloody diarrhea, stomach pains and, well, not being able to walk because his ass was so inflamed (kind of like this one time, when I…) After further examination, it was discovered that the man’s butt did not just magically explode, but rather he had shoved an entire glass bottle all the way up there at some point.

   How the hell do you forget that you did this? “Hmmm, why do I have this excruciating pain in my rectum? Let’s see, what did I eat? I had some Goldfish, a steak sandwich for dinner last night, a light breakfast, some wine, I shoved an entire glass bottle up my butt, I had some fat free Dreyer’s… nothing really seems to stand out.”

   The doctors surgically removed the bottle, and the patient made a full recovery, unfortunately for that town’s gene pool.

   The picture of the man on the table is the patient right before his laporatomy. No word yet on whether he’s come in again or not….

4. Bullet Shells: What a Low Blow

   

   An ex-soldier managed to bring the throws of war right to his own body by creating a dangerous suppository — clearly an invention that would rival renewable energy or even real-life Iron Man armor.

   Apparently he used a shell to get the bullet all the way up his rectum, because it probably seemed like a good idea at the time.

   The World War II veteran suffered such bad hemorrhoids that they would get stuck in the seam of his underpants as he walked, kind of like when you have long leg hair and you wear boxer briefs. You know it happens. Imagine that with hemorrhoids (the bathroom is that way===>)

   In order to alleviate the problem, he always pushed the hemorrhoids back up with the artillery shell from an antiaircraft gun, because the hemorrhoids were his mortal enemies.

   On one occasion, however, the shell got stuck, which forced him to rush to the ER.

   Directly before the removal operation, one of the doctors casually asked, “It is spent, isn’t it?” “Oh, no!” said the man. “There’s enough ammo in that shell to blast a Messerschmidt out of the sky.”

   The surgical team was forced to notify an army bomb squad. Yes. A BOMB SQUAD.

   After the bomb squad arrived, the team members built a lead box around his anus and defused the shell before removing it, making this guy’s body into an awesome potential weapon of slightly remarkable destruction.

   Worst part: what if you ran into one of the guys whose job it was, whose salary is paid by tax payers, to diffuse the potential explosive you’d shoved up your ass? Awkwaaaaard.

5. Coke! But Not The Drug Kind…

   

   This 60-year-old man claims that “thieves” shoved the entire Coca-cola bottle in his anus (insert breaking and entering joke here) showing us that sometimes, when people tell you exactly where to shove something that sometimes, just sometimes, they mean it (and are willing to help.)

   He was constipated for days, probably because the entire bottle of Coca-cola was kind of in the way, and was eventually admitted to the hospital.

   Medical records indicate that the doctors had to use a number of tools to get that refreshing beverage out of there, including extra long forceps and some sort of creepy vacuum from hell. No bomb squad was called for this incident, despite how shaken up the Coke was (about the whole thing).

6. A 1.5 Ton Plane: Michel Lotito, Mister Eat it All

   

   Alright, so either European food is actually this bad, or people just need to find better hobbies.

   Michel Lotito, a French native, regularly consumes massive objects like a 1.5 ton plane, an entire car tire, multiple wine glasses, and crushed light bulbs. Medical examiners have studied Lotito’s digestive and circulatory systems at length, but they haven’t come up with an answer for how on earth he is able to consume all of this machinery.

   He has a specific clenching and unclenching method for his esophagus and other soft tissues to be able to handle the stress, but my question is, why WOULD YOU DO THAT!? He drinks water, and uses the bathroom frequently during meals.

   IMPORTANT: If the Terminator/Skynet apocalypse ever happens, this man will be our only hope. This guy is the urban myth that all robot parents scare their robot kids with when they’re misbehaving or not following protocol

   Click here for the full news report.