The 11 Worst Kinds Of Neighbors
1. The Upstairs Stomp-Monster
STOMP STOMP STOMP. They’re either practicing their runway walk 24/7, or constantly moving furniture around, or dribbling a basketball, or OHGODWHATEVERITISWHYWON’TITSTOP?!
2. The Paranoid Weirdo
Ever get the feeling that someone is watching you? Someone is. And they know you’re up to no good. One of these days, you’re gonna screw up. And they’ll be there to CALL THE GODDAMN COPS.
3. The Loud Sex Neighbors
Remember how the first time you heard all that yelling and banging you thought someone was being murdered? Remember how now that you know what you’re listening to, you wish it were murder?
4. The Pet Hoarders
Oh God. The sound. The smell. The endless massive craps in your yard. The certainty that when they die, they’re going to be skeletonized by their 40 cats. The whole thing is just too much to take.
5. The Borrowers
They’ll just take the newspaper from your doorstep, or “borrow” (steal) your bike off your porch, or pick some vegetables from your garden… and when you confront them, they act like you’re the weirdo.
6. The Overly Friendly Neighbors Who You’d Swear Are Hitting on You
Always inviting you over to “get the friendship going…” But something about it just doesn’t feel… right. Did they just touch your hand in an overly familiar way? Or are you just being paranoid? Or… they definitely want you to be in some kind of weird sex club, right? They won’t come out and say it. But something’s up.
7. The Eavesdropping NSA Spies
They’re spying on you. You know this. It’s not clear how they’re listening… but they’re listening. Bump into them on the street, and it’s a safe bet they’ll ask you questions about stuff you’re DAMN SURE you didn’t tell them.
8. The Loud Fighters
HE isn’t taking this relationship seriously enough. SHE needs to understand that blogging is not the same thing as a job. HE can’t just have his friends show up unannounced and stay over. SHE needs to cool it with the day drinking. YOU don’t need to know any of this, but THEY love screaming 24/7 and hate closing their windows when they fight.
9. The Neighbor Who Takes the Elevator to 2
Not the old guy with the walker, not the pregnant lady, not the dude with groceries. The young dude in the workout clothes who is 100% fit enough to take, you know, ONE GODDAMN FLIGHT OF STAIRS.
10. Mr. I’m-in-a-Band
“Practice, practice, practice” is the answer to, “How do you get to Carnegie Hall,” but also the answer to, “How do you make your neighbors want to firebomb your stupid house?”
11. The Henchman (AKA The Landlord’s Cousin)
AKA The guy who lives for free in the windowless basement and works for the landlord in some nefarious, unnamed capacity. And like, he’s probably fine, but you can take it to the bank that if there’s ever a murder in the building, he will 100% turn out to be the killer, and all the witnesses are going to be like, “Well, yeah, we always knew something was up with Carl.” And yet nobody. Does. Anything. About. Him.